March 10, 2014
Would The Real You Please Stand Up?
You want to put that
needle WHERE?
That was my first
reaction when I saw how long that thing was, and then I wondered how thick the
gel really could be inside the tiny container on top of it.
I know, I know. You’re tired of hearing about this leg. Humor me a bit while I share with you what
God taught me using this ole’ thing. I
declare, I've had more spiritual rehab following the wreck than physical rehab.
Since the surgery last
month, I've been making the trek to Asuncion about once a week for injections
of some sort of thick goo that is supposed to encourage the cartilage inside my
knee to regenerate. The shot’s no fun,
nor is the soreness afterward, but the worst of it is the trip to and from the
doctor’s office. Because this is a
pretty delicate procedure, we decided it was best to stick with the doctor we
most trust, the one we feel is very capable of pulling it off. That means a long day that includes anywhere
from a five- to eight-hour bus ride each way, which has given me a lot of
opportunities to catch up on recorded sermons and audiobooks and a whole lot of
time to think.
I’ve also found myself
answering a lot of “Oh, really?” responses when I explain that I had another
surgery. To see me trekking about town,
you wouldn’t have known I needed
it. About six months ago or so, I
mastered the art of controlling my limp, and on a good day, when the humidity
level is low and I’m actively concentrating, you wouldn’t even be able to see
it. I’d gotten pretty good at walking
long distances and could even keep up with the fast walkers in the crowd. Yep, I’d gotten quite adept at hiding the
pain and creaking noises going on inside there.
And since I don’t tend to wear pants above my knees these days, the
scars were quite hidden and most folks forgot I’d ever even had an
accident.
Until I needed to
climb stairs. Put me under that sort of
stress, and I crumple. I take the stairs
like a toddler, pulling myself up by the rail and putting both feet on the same
step before moving up.
Until I needed to
run. My leg’s just fine straight out, or
even with a slight bend. But bend it
enough to run or even jog, and it couldn’t support my weight. The muscle strength just wasn’t there, and
the problems within the joint wouldn’t let me build the muscles to reach that
point.
Someone called me fake the
other day, which really irked me. They said
there was no way I could be so positive about all this junk, no way I could
remain upbeat with the stresses I’ve gone through. I kept my cool (fake of me?) even though I
wanted to punch my accuser.
I really hope that in
terms of this leg and my attitude, I’m not faking anything. I hope that what I portray is what I am deep
inside. But the truth is, I could easily
fake you out if I wanted to. Can’t we
all, for a time at least?
I could walk this walk
fast enough to keep up with the best of ‘em.
I could talk the talk and come across as someone who’s got it all
together—well, if you don’t count my Southern slang, I reckon. I could cover my scars and carefully avoid
the things that would bring out my weaknesses. After all, I grew up in this Christian thing. I know all the right words and all the cool moves.
But one day I’ll have
to climb higher. One day I’ll have to
run.
And when I put myself under those
conditions, the real me will come out.
I wrestled with
whether to have this last surgery. After all, shouldn't “good enough” be
enough? Should I have just been
satisfied knowing I didn’t have to use a cane anymore, and that I could control
the limp if I worked at it? Shouldn’t I
be happy that I’d at least gotten that far, and just leave well enough alone?
Shouldn’t we be
satisfied that we can put on the happy face and at least hold it together when folks
are looking? Shouldn’t we just be glad
we’re not “as bad as she is” or “as obviously messed up” as that next guy?
If I’d left the knee
as it was, it would have gotten progressively worse, and one day, I’d be
walking (or not) with a lot more pain. I
may have ended up back on the cane, and I certainly wouldn’t be achieving my
goal of running again.
If we leave our inner
hurts and sins alone, they will get progressively worse, and one day, we’ll be carrying
even more pain. You may end up
debilitated, and you certainly won’t be achieving the goal of running the race
with endurance.
So, yeah, it’s a
painful to go through the process of having bad stuff removed from deep inside. It’s work to fill the space that remains
with things that will cause positive stuff to grow. It’s no fun to travel the road and spend the
time necessary to get to the help.
But
in the end, do I really want to be fully healed, or do I just want to be perfect my ability to fake it?
…let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith…. Hebrews 12:1-2
Ever find yourself covering up what's going on inside instead of fixing it? How do you avoid faking it?
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I've never seen anywhere when God said we had to settle for good enough. Jesus did not leave the blind man when he saw "men as trees walking." He healed completely. He wants His children to have the best. He also dealt with being called a fake. His brothers criticized Him, and I find no Bible reference that indicates that any of them accepted Him.....Satan would like to have us all disabled, in pain, and distracted from God's work. Mother's had her ear surgery and I can't wait to see how much it helps! --Sandy
ReplyDeleteAunt Sandy--You make some great points, as always. Glad Granny's had her surgery. I'm hoping for excellent results! :)
DeleteMore spiritual rehab than physical...that really resonated with me...and I thank Him! But just the same, it would be so wonderful for you to feel strong physically as well....and I'm praying that way! You're a blessing to me.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by, Shilo. You're always a breath of fresh air!
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